Please ignore. Twitter circles is gone and I just need to word vomit a bit because I’m depressed and I don’t have anyone to talk to right now. Im also pmsing so it’s so much worse rn.
Im currently at my parents place and im trying to not cry but failing and im trying to prevent a breakdown until i at least get back to my apartment.
Anyway. Idk where to even begin lol but basically I’m at a point where I am so tired of living. Things just dont happen easily for me and everything is a struggle of gives me anxiety or makes me want to die. This world is so fucked. I feel guilty for even feeling the way I do given what other people in the world are going through.
I’m 28 and I don’t have many friends. Idk how to make friends and I’m very socially awkward/anxious so it doesn’t come easy for me. And it’s not like people are actively trying to get to know me either. I actually don’t even know what that feels like. The friends I currently have are people I met through work or school and then become friends with a few of their friends. But I have met countless people who I’ve added on social media and that’s about it. People don’t reach out to me to hang to get to know one another. I feel very forgettable and honestly I probably am given how few events/hangouts I get invited to. I barely hang out with people in small groups, it’s always one on one which is nice but I wish I had a group. I wish I had a ride or die. I wish I had a girl friend I could call a sister. I wanna go on a girls trip and a girls night.
On that same note, I’m convinced I’m destined to be perpetually single. I have yet to be in an actual relationship and at this point I’ve basically lost hope I’m ever going to find someone. I hate dating apps, I’ve tried using them multiple times and it just doesn’t work for me. And given the fact that I can’t even make friends, how would I even find a man? Ideally I’d like a meet cute but let’s be real here, I’m not lucky enough for that to happen to me.
I crave community so much and I know this is the source of my depression but I basically have been at a disadvantage socially speaking since I was young. My parents were really strict on me. They’re better now so my two youngest sisters have the social life I have always wanted and they get to do so much more. And I’m happy for them truly I am, I would never want to wish this on anyone else.
I just feel so lost. I don’t know what I’m doing other what I need to do to not fail and move back home. What’s the point of anything? Why am I here? What’s my purpose? I wish I could disappear. My friends would be better off. They’d probably forget about me after a while anyway.
Idk. I’m gonna cut it off here bc my family came upstairs and I don’t want them to see me crying. I try very hard to look like I’m okay. I mean they know I’m depressed they just don’t know how much. And it runs in the family plus they all have their struggles and shit to deal with so I don’t need them to worry about me.
I honestly don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I’m not going to do anything because I know it would crush my mom and I can’t cause her anymore pain but I really need things to majorly turn around for me in almost every aspect of my life. I’m tired of life being this way.
Rebecca Perry, Beauty/Beauty; from ‘Kintsugi 金継ぎ’
by alexbeckett_
I like the fact that only like 3 people I know irl are still active here and even then I don’t think they check tumblr every day
Always remember what’s meant for you will feel natural, comfortable and calm. It will never feel forced and unsettling.
Roommate went out of town once, asked me to look after her cat.
Night one she comes down meowing at me. I go check her food/water, they’re full. Litter box empty. Make sure my roommate’s door is still open and she’s not locked out of her room or something. I try to pet her and she dodges me, offer her treats and she won’t have it, try playing with her but she won’t play, try just ignoring her and she won’t stop following me around meowing at me.
So I call my roommate, concerned maybe she was sick or in pain and that’s why she was being so insistent despite having all her needs met.
Roommate goes: “OH! She wants you to go to bed. Go upstairs to my room and just sit in my bed with her for a few minutes. She should curl up and get comfortable. Once shes laid down she usually lets me go back to what I’m doing she just can’t seem to go to bed on her own”
Sure enough, I go sit on roommates bed and she just happily jumps up, curls up on the blanket, and purrs herself to sleep.
I like when cats try to give their humans healthy habits.
From Theophile Gautier, mid-19th century, about his very floofy white cat:
Don Pierrot of Navarre always sat up at night until I came home, waiting for me on the inside of the door, and as soon as I stepped into the antechamber he would come rubbing himself against my legs, arching his back and purring in gladsome, friendly fashion. Then he would start to walk in front of me, preceding me like a page, and I am sure that if I had asked him to do so, he would have carried my candle. In this way he would escort me to my bedroom, wait until I had undressed, jump up on the bed, put his paws round my neck, rub his nose against mine, lick me with his tiny red tongue, rough as a file, and utter little inarticulate cries by way of expressing unmistakably the pleasure he felt at seeing me again. When he had sufficiently caressed me and it was time to sleep he used to perch upon the backboard of his bed and slept there like a bird roosting on a branch. As soon as I woke in the morning, he would come and stretch out beside me until I rose.
Midnight was the latest time allowed for my return home. On this point Pierrot was as inflexible as a janitor… Twice or thrice Pierrot sat up for me until two o’clock in the morning, but presently he took offence at my conduct and went to bed without waiting for me. I was touched by this mute protest against my innocently disorderly way of life, and thereafter I regularly returned home at midnight. Pierrot, however, proved hard to win back; he wanted to make sure that my repentance was no mere passing matter, but once he was convinced that I had really reformed, he deigned to restore me to his good graces and again took up his nightly post in the antechamber.
Cats : trying to make us go to bed at a Reasonable Time since forever (so they can wake us up at 3 am for treats)